i ceased to see.

i run ahead just to look back.

to see how life has been. how life will be.

it had been a fruitless effort. trying to change it all.

i try and try again. to no avail.

its meaningless really. to live for yourself.

i ceased to see. the day i ceased to be selfish.

my life had been in chaos.

i was no longer sure who i should trust.

no longer sure who to befriend.

as scared i was. i did not show.

it would be a sign of weakness.

then i met her.

though it was not a grand entrance for her into my life. nor mine into hers.

our fate entwined with one another's. crossing into each's path.

we took our time. slowly. to embrace one another.

she came from the plains of despair.

i had arrived from the path of lonesome.

i will take you away from the pain. i had said.

and that i had done.

so do take me away from this loneliness.

i had only wanted to heal her. to make her find life much more meaningful.

then. i fell for her. amazing really. strangers. to now.

it felt like a long journey. one i had not planned.

i find myself loving her more and more. as everyday passed.

i had not wanted to feel that way.

i had been afraid. more so. maybe even more than her.

love feels alien to me. it made me feel insecured.

then. slowly. i am willing to give things. not material.

i am willing to give in. something i had never done.

and something she had never done. slowly.

we began missing each other's presence.

yet, i enjoy every moment of it.

everytime i see her. and look into her eyes.

i'd find an urge. to just say the words.

from the bottom of my heart, i had spoke.

i feel like a child. when i'm with her. back to the childhood days.

where nothing really mattered. where everything is so simple.

lets do this slowly. shall we?

and enjoy every moment of it. look not for the destination.

but for the journey.

it will make things a whole lot easier. trust me on this.

i would protect this bond between us. with everything i have.

try as i must. die if i must.

though life will be harsh. as usual.

our hands would bind tighter.

so that i would not lose sight of u. in the storms to come.

it would just feel like a dance. a waltz.

with u in my embrace, hand in hand.

we would finish this song. then lay back and watch the stars.

they would be my witness. for this love that we share.

just call for me. and i would come running.

yes lah. i say SP u say Oiii~

beanie beanie beanie! READ THE TITLE!

I SAY SP U SAY OIE~

SP!

OIE~

SP!

OIE~

SP SP SP~

OIE OIE OIE~

HAHAHAHAHA. sista dun angry la sista.

yest was fun. as usual. someone wanted to pee. on the bus ride to IMM

we had SECRET RECIPE. AGAIN!

she felt like eating lasagna she said.

this time however. there was this additional item.

chocolate milkshake.

HAHAHAHA. sideways. soon. swear.

and soon. after the meal.

she went like. zzzzz.

it goes like. snort. sigh. snort.

-.- u guys can alr imagine how she sleeps yes?

on the bus somemore. she looked so damn drugged -.-

i swear. i didnt do anything.

milk has that effect to her.

AND RIGHT NOW.

-.- im bored. currently doing nothing at block 8-4-4.

waiting for my next lesson.

sayang, is going for magnum force training.

and i'll be rotting at home most prolly. or i would be out to swim. muahahaha

lab was boring. so was the day. -.- sums up my poly life.

but anyway~ i made some new frens today. a couple of cool dudes and judes.

they're gonna be with me for the rest of the sem.

so basically -.- im usually the kind of bo-chap homework one. they'll keep me updated.

and then~ i had lunch with feifei. wee. training starts on thursday.

year ones are coming in. and i heard of some conflicts among the commitee members.

amusing lah amusing.

anyways. im gonna finally be able to go skating again. yay -.-'

ive not touched my skates for like.. 7 months alr?

imagine me trying to stand on them again. i'm gonna have bruises i swear.

*looks at brenda*

-.- though i fear for her more. HAHAHAHA *runs away*

i miss u. like really really. miss.

i love u. like really really. love.

its simple really.

how my heart feels for u.

i cannot describe.

as for u.

take ur time. as usual. nobody's rushing u.

and im in no hurry.

dying.

ahhhhh. i dno wtf is happening to my lj head.

i can friggin hear drums inside it. -.- i swear.

any yells or loud noises makes it worse. *looks around at the world* i'll kill the next person to talk into my ear. -.-

then there is my flu. which i think is partially an accomplice of my sore throat.

i cant swallow my saliva. nor can i breathe properly without wincing.

the headache is 2 days old. his name is thumpy.

-.- i wanna kill someone right now.

then i have to go to my sister's(note:despite my screaming protest to my parents)

my nephew is 1 years old today! YAY! and.. i noticed. i really do not know his full name.

im a great uncle lah great uncle. when he grows up. the first thing i'll ask him is.

boy! come here. (30 seconds of silence). what is ur name? and then another 30 secs of silence.

met sayang,beanie and bryan yesterday.

i swear. bryan is pervertic. confirm lah. must be lah.

he started poking the takoyaki box with sticks. i swear. he was doing it with pleasure.

i could just see it on his face. he was going like 'muahaha! holes holes!'

well. i guess most of the stuff that happened the other night. was smth like a dream.

its called a tiff. but it just sort of blew by. like nothing happened.

she had wanted to accompany me to bukit batok.

but me, fearing bangalas coming at her in the night. on her way home alone.

so i rejected her offer. though i was touched.

but in the end she still walked home alone. stupid beanie and bryan.

i re-read the doc she had sent me. and once again. i feel secured.

though i do not know for how long more.

and many thanks to xinyi and family. for accompanying me through the longest night.

by the flick of the wrist.

i knew it was coming. what i had dream of last night.

i knew something was wrong. the disappointment in her eyes.

something i could not grasp. but i knew it was there.

the silence she had kept. then the words that came out. from her. her lips.

i had made her lose a friend. she had said.

i am going to make her lose another. she had said.

i had been prepared. when we had told the world. she was not.

the spears. that lanced into me. icicles. the pain. unbearable.

at the flick of her wrist. she had shook off my hand.

the only sentence that came after that was. i need to go.

we had compromised. to have a talk. whenever issues appeared.

i tried. she didnt listen. either that. or it didnt stay there.

she did not get my meanings. neither did she grasp my intention.

it felt like i was the only one at fault. and she was the only one who lost something.

i had sworn myself off the tears. at the age of 17. and sworn never to cry again.

i had tried to piece her life together. she took it as i was tearing it asunder.

she said i was losing it. i don't know if i was doing the right things.

but i was sure. i had the right intentions. i wanna pull them closer.

so that. so that. in the thought of me gone. there would be someone else with her.

she wouldnt be lonely. i would bear the pain. she does not understand.

i am not a shadow of her past. i wanna be the candle in the dark.

she didnt doubt my love. she had claimed.

why then. would i tear my loved ones life asunder. does it make sense?

if she hadnt doubted it. it wouldnt be. as she thought.

i took to running. away from the storm. for the night. was very long.

i seeked shelter. under the stars and moon.

within the smoke i had found tranquility. she had hurt me.

im going to stop. i had healed her. and inflicted the scars on myself.

then. i cried.

*points at e-kiosk!*

muahaha people im back lah im back.

i havent been blogging these couple of days -.-' both tired and time-less.

anyways. the day out with her alone was fun. though it had been a rainy day and we had no where to go.

went JP for lunch. 3pm. NOTE! NOTE THE TIME!

been to the library. guess what XD

she says: 'lets go JP library. there FEWER people.'

that cracked me up.

then in the library.

she. *points at the e-kiosk*(note:for paying fines).

and says: 'who also know you borrow books from there!'

i practically wanted to walkwalkwalkwalk away. HAHAHAHA.

she had the i-know-everything attitude at that point of time lah.

and we all know. she is clueless about everything. it literally means. dumb.

and then.

at 6pm. NOTE THE TIME!

she says: 'im hungry.'

-.- tell me lah tell me. how to 'yang' her liddat.

so we went back to JP for mee siam. -.- she was whining for it.

and then! yesterday.

dongdong and the B sisters met up.

basically -.- to town. whats new tell me.

and once again, their decisiveness still stumbles me.

who takes 1 hour to walk around a shopping mall thinking if they want their shirt?

*points at beanie* neh. my sister.

as usual, we had fun. -.- though i have to say. im lucky. they weren't grumpy.

-.- so i dont have beanie jumping on me.

really lah really. its not fun having a girl kick u around.

lunch was at Spageddies. i think thats how you spell it.

omg lah -.- im going back there again i swear.

the food rocked me~ pasta la pasta. and it was dongdong's choice. u have to admit its nice.

though i forgot the name. -.- prima something chicken something pasta.

HAHAHA. forgive me lah. i dont remember complicated names.

though my memory is much better than someone's. *looks at brenda*

then. dinner was crystal jade.

-.- it was also nice. im going there again too.

and that was the end of the day! XD

little rantings.

she had given up her most prized possession.

she had given up her attention. from the people she treasured.

she had thought about me. the things i had lost.

the things which i had wanted to let go.

it will be a happy ending. im sure of it.

but the storm has not ended. the thunders are still sounding.

it is all because of her. she minds. no matter how much she claims she doesnt.

time has to tell. because i lack of the solutions.

she doesnt believe in forever. neither would i try convincing her.

it would come to light, everything would be.

her past is what made her this way. i do not blame her.

her pain caused her the scars. i understand.

i'm no longer afraid. because i wouldnt bother.

it would be much easier. that way.

to trust someone would remind me of my pain.

but it has to be, that way.

my tears have long dried. my eyes wouldnt cry. no matter the pain.

i had given up on many. and chosen just one.

she does not understand, my concept. our thinkings differ.

the more people i knew, the lonelier i felt.

many will know how i feel. the longer they live.

the world is broad, the skies are high.

the world i had seen enough.

never neverland.

wahhhh -.- sch starting lah starting.

im kinda excited. yet i dread it at the same time.

funny thing is. my NS is actually coming. -.- MY HAIR LAH MY HAIR.

*looks at beanie and bwenda*

they're gonna laugh. like they always do. i swear.

then again. maybe i could try to enjoy NS. (note: im making myself happy.)

so my day was spent, at home. then i went to NP.

to my ultimate dismay. there was this crowd of freshmen standing infront of Cheers.

I swear, u can fuggin smell the sun(note: it doesnt smell good) and sweat. and most importantly. they were raising their hands up. i dno for what. armpits. my god. smelling good there guys. raise it higher. for the poor souls who wanna grab a drink at Cheers.

then, i walked towards Convention Centre. -.- for once. i think im old. it feels so friggin far.

either that, or because there is nobody around.

but once again. the same freshmen group that was outside Cheers headed for Convention Centre. the same friggin direction as me.

imagine lah imagine. i cannot walk infront of them. because i'll feel weird having someone staring up and down my ass(note: the slope up the Convention Centre).

so i walked behind them. and bless the heavens, the wind was blowing at them. towards me.

i was literally choking by the time i reached Convention Centre. bwenda ng. u owe me a big one.

so i arrived at the lift. in the basement.

*press lift*

*happily drinking Snapple*(note: grape flavour)

*as the lift approaches 1st floor*

*eyes wide wide open look outside*

*alot of eyes wide wide open look inside*(note: the humans)

T.T

i felt so damn paiseh can. they were all staring at me. while they were doing some funny dance routine. they stopped practically midway. so there was these 5 girls. which gaped at me. and me at them.(basically, i started sweating like mad.) paiseh lah paiseh. -.-

so i acted like nth happened. and quickly took out my fone.

dongdong says: '-.- where are you.'

bwenda says: 'ending soon la soon.'

*dongdong waits patiently*

*dongdong quickly pulls out phone again*

dongdong says: 'WTF, why got people wearing batman capes running around!'

dongdong panicks: 'WTF IS HAPPENING TO MY SCHOOL?'

5 minutes later.

bwenda happily walks by him.

-.- eh behind lah dummy behind.

and so.. we headed to IMM for dinner.

on the bus.

bwenda says: 'i need to pee.'

---------________---------

that is the 3rd time its happening. and im keeping count.

she had. mushroom soup, chicken lasagna and oreo cheese cake.

he had. mushroom soup, spicy chicken carbonara.

and off we headed. home. XD

the day had been simple.

yet im happy.

its the small details. really.

she's still complaining though -.- her camp sucks.

it'll be fun lah it'll be fun.

one male supporter!

040408.

yes lah ppl.

im back to blog. like once again XD.

its been a couple of eventful days. really i swear. 040408 however. XD was a special day.

dongdong says: 'eh. stop kicking me lah beanie.'

beanie goes insane: 'NOOO I DONT CARE. IM GRUMPY.'

wtf yes? -.- beanie was jumping on me. literally.

the day of central, town, holland v. wiped me out. really. -.- literally wiped me out. mentally.

oh yea. far east chapter.

dongdong says: 'just get that dress lah. since u like it.'

bwenda says: 'noooo i really dont want.' (note: she was biting her lips, almost chewing.)

dongdong says: 'just friggin get it -.-'

beanie says: 'bludder bludder just go buy it for her lah.'

dongdong agrees. while bwenda+beanie walks out of shop.

dongdong says to the shop girls: ' eh sry. that girl wans this dress.' *points*

shop girls: 'yea we could tell. -.- I WANT was written all over her face.'

shop girls *packs the dress*

shop girls: 'how old are you anyway.'

dongdong says: '20. +.21 this year.'

shop girls: 'really?! @.@ u look 18.'

dongdong was gonna flip. both with joy and sadness.

dongdong walks out of shop.

dongdong approaches bwenda+beanie with the dress.

dongdong gives bwenda the dress.

bwenda reaches the state of nirvana. a.k.a enlightment.

HAHAHAHAHA. and then.

beanie suddenly said: 'argh. if i have a bf now i'll squeeze him dry.'

dongdong starts sweating and looking at beanie.

thats my sista.any takers?! she has hourglass figure! and a cute cute laughter. and basically. the cute cute cute cute cute x 100 expression of saying 'noooooooo.'

anyway. it was fun. once again. the outing was. though some dumb girl tripped down a step.

which worried me and beanie for awhile. practically. stunned oso.

dongdong says: 'omg BWENDA! u friggin fell in town!'

bwenda says: 'yes I NOE!'

dongdong shakes with laugher: 'what if u go home, ur friendster message from an unknown says. EH BRENDA I SAW U IN TOWN! U FELL DOWN TODAY!'

really lah really. HAHAHAHA.

anyway. today 040408. is really. a special day.

and now. the name is written. engraved somewhere.

like in a shrine. of sacred land. no hands could reach.

nobody could desecrate. it belongs to me. solely mine.

the day our feet left the ground.

yes lah. april's fool.yet a special one.and a long one at that.

-.- i practically slept at 6.30am today. then woke up at 10am, to go some unknown place to pray for my dad's 'passed away' sister. from what i heard though, she was a very kind person. though i didnt have the luck to meet and know her. i was 3 months old when she passed away from leukemia, she didnt seem to wince one bit though. even though the chemicals and medication was coursing through her veins everyday, that was what my mum said. alot of people loved her, holding her deep into their hearts. for she was kind, understanding, and never complaining. my parents told me that on the day of her funeral, the people who were paying respects, could occupy 3 SBS double deck buses. -.-' i swear.

so the previous day, i went IMM. to get some stuff. to do some things. =.= *looks at bwenda*

oh yea, -.- i met this particularly funny staff in popular. she kept looking at me with those kinda, 'eh, you nerd boy. come here.' eyes. i dno wtf i did to her lah, -.- either my specs look too damn funny, because she was giggling the whole way when i was paying for the items. *note: i took the friggin trouble to go to toilet after that to check for any funny details on my face*

so yea, i went home. spent 6 hours,30 minutes to prepare for the day ahead. omg lah, i actually went to CCK with her. T.T and she had the cheek to send me a sms saying 'eh dongdong, i cannot make it today.' -.- though i knew it was april's fool, i was only waiting for her to let herself out. WAHAHAHA XD and it worked.

it went like this.

bwenda: 'WTF dongdong! my parents want me to help out till six plus leh.'

dongdong: *thinks, im not born yesterday.* 'just meet me aft that loh. try to make it before six yes?'

bwenda: 'Zzz they say cannot leh. Today a lot of people. How?'

dongdong: *thinks again, ur stall never has more than 3 customers everytime i see it -.- why start now* 'nvm loh, u can meet me another day. i dont mind one.'

bwenda: 'fug you lah, april's fool.'

dongdong gains VICTORY!

so yea, went and ended praying at 1.30pm.

i swear, i was sweating like a dog. -.- its like those kinda 'sweat-like-there-is-no-tomorrow' sweat. i always have these kinda funny things happening when i neglect my sleep time. dont ask me why. -.- so basically, i ran home. bathed and set off again. to jec meeting bwenda ng.

the surprise in mind, throbs in my heart.

the excitement it gives, makes me dance in joy.

the happiness inside, knows no bounds.

we arrived in cck, at arnd. 2.50pm.

bwenda says: 'eh dongdong, lets eat long john silver. but where is it?'

dongdong *looks at the big big poster infront of us. LJS #B1-04, then looks at bwenda again*

bwenda says: 'huh? where?'

dongdong *looks at the poster again.*

bwenda says: 'OOOOOH!'

dongdong face = (/-.-)/ i give up on this girl.

then, we strolled around Lot One. apparently, i am afraid bwenda would get into any type of trouble like soon. we all know why lah *looks bwenda up and down*.

then we saw her this friend. he seemed macho to me. somehow, maybe cause of his blonde hair.

yet bwenda stunned me with the comment: 'he talks niang.'

the end of the impression on that guy. down the drain. totally. swear.

she said though -.- im damn guai lan today. i dno why either. just hyper lah. forgive me.

then, we walked around. amazed by how she likes 'cute small things'. -.- anything small is cute. to her i think. LOL. then you're gonna love my nephew lah.

and so, we headed for harborfront. at around. 5pm we arrived. see i remember!

we slacked around at starbucks. (note: bwenda had no idea, there was a starbucks in harborfront shopping centre.) AMAZING RIGHT!? she claims she knows harborfront well. and she led me directly to the cruise area. -.- where we're supposed to be at the cable car section.

bwenda says: 'eh just folo me lah idiot. i know this place well.'

dongdong says: 'okie!' *trusts her totally*(note: im nervous as its my first time.)

bwenda says: 'THERE!' *points at the cruise, tour and meet, departure station.*

dongdong approaches the dude at the counter.

dude says: 'eh, turn left there, harbourfront tower 2.'

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF.

then as we head out into the open area for harbourfront tower 2.

there was this bunch of bangalas. yes lah bwenda ur wish came true. HAHAHAHA.

they were all staring, if not curious, it'd be lustful at bwenda. o0o0o0o0o!

*boards the cable car at harborfront tower 2*

*ends up at The Jewel Box.*

dongdong says: 'so cool lah, we're finally here.'

*suddenly, love songs start playing in the background*

bwenda bursts out laughing without warning.

dongdong: *flinches his eyebrows* 'wtf is wrong with you?'

bwenda says: 'HAHAHA UR FACE! THEN THE SONG!' *points at me*

-.- tat was what happened. for a brief moment. i was like. -----____-----

we arrived too early however, thus we decided to slack looking at the scenery.

after 10 minutes.

dongdong says: 'eh lets go to the toilet and go for the dinner.'

bwenda says: 'okie.'

dongdong asks: 'dont you wanna pee? later dinner cannot pee woh.'

bwenda says with much much much determination: 'nope i'll be fine.'

and thus, on the sky dinner!

The 'fake candle' which bwenda stupidly thought it was.

MEME!

BWENDA BWENDA!

THE SCENERY!

THE MAIN COURSE! in the middle of this. she had to pee -.- orbi yes?

THE VERY WRONG CORNS.

the very CRUMBLE apple.

the gift.

for one. i really had a happy evening.

i would cover that distance, little by little.

and open that new chapter to your life.

Ever so slowly, more so lightly.

You would have never known I have slipped in.